A Stressful Situation
If the world were a perfect place, talking to your daughter's field hockey coach
would be as natural and stress free as talking to your child's teacher.
Parents should feel free to let the coach know anything we feel will
affect our child's participation, such as stress in his home life or
school, the fact that he has chronic asthma, that he is grieving over
the death of a family pet or has to miss a game to attend a family
wedding. We also should be able to expect that the coach will share any
concerns with us about our child at any time.
Unfortunately, as I know all too well from my conversations with parents and coaches over the years, there is not much that worries and confuses parents more. It is simply astounding how many otherwise confident and competent parents - successful trial lawyers, emergency room physicians, business executives, and stay-at-home moms and dads - end up lying awake in the wee hours of the morning worrying about this issue. The reason is that, unlike your daughter's teacher, her coach, in all probability, is not a professional educator trained to put the child's interest and needs first at all times.
Since it simply isn't possible to shield our children completely from bad coaches, when we feel that we have something to say, no matter how unpopular, we should speak up. If your intuition is to speak, speak. There is no dishonor in voicing an opinion; there is no dishonor in trying to protect your child.
First, regardless of the issue you may have with your daughter's coach, talk to your daughter to find out what she is feeling and thinking before you talk to the coach. Her feelings may be very different than yours and they deserve your respect.
Second, encourage your daughter to talk to the coach herself. If you jump in every time your child has a problem, your child will soon get the message that she isn't capable of taking care of herself and will look to you to solve other problems she may be having in her life. For instance, if she is not getting as much playing time as she thinks she deserves, she should ask, "Coach, what do I need to work on so that I can earn more playing time?"
Third, don't speak up until you see a pattern and after you have gathered all the facts with an open mind. Check with the assistant coaches and other parents. Be patient. Give the coach the chance to get to know your daughter before you begin complaining.
Fourth, even if your daughter's feelings mirror your own don't conclude that you have to talk to the coach. Consider the effect your talking to the coach may have on your child's relationships with hier teammates and the coach. Sometimes, it may be better to keep quiet until you have given the matter more thought and, perhaps, talked to other parents to see if they have concerns similar to yours. If so, you may be better off going to the coach as a group.
